The Very Secret Diary of Delia of Eldorne
by Tintern Abbey
Summary: In which Delia is affected by a sexy duke, a redheaded midget, and a certain brocade dressing gown. Takes place during ITHOTG.


_Disclaimer: _All characters and settings belong to Tamora Pierce.

_Note: _This was originally posted to the Goldenlake forum in response to the Very Secret Diaries challenge.

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**The Very Secret Diary of Delia of Eldorne**

**Day 1:** Finally left stuffy convent and arrived at court. Random boy from Naxen showed me around palace and almost fainted dead away when I touched his hand. _Ha._ Am the prettiest one here.

**Day 2:** Went to bed with Naxen boy after Prince Jonathan's party. Very frustrating to spend years stuck in convent surrounded by girls. Still the prettiest.

**Day 7:** Naxen boy is terrible in bed. Have moved on to greener pastures in the form of sexy duke named Roger. Says he will make me queen if I become evil minion as well as his mistress. Have always wanted to wear a crown!

Still the prettiest, _obviously._

**Day 14:** Sexy duke much better than Naxen boy. Also much more stylish. Am impressed with Roger's collection of clothes, though he takes even longer to get dressed than _I_ do. Hmph. Still find him sexy, though.

No longer necessary to declare myself the prettiest. Am destined to be prettiest forever and ever.

**Day 23:** Roger has other evil minion. This is an outrage! Hate Tirragen bastard already, even if he _is_ kind of sexy in a dark, brooding sort of way.

Also, Naxen boy keeps making a fool of himself over me. Can't take a hint that it's over.

**Day 46:** Goldenlake boy and Naxen boy fought duel over my riding glove. It's fun being the prettiest!

**Day 54:** Went to another party. Embarrassing the redheaded midget from Trebond is almost as fun as being the prettiest. Found Goldenlake boy hiding behind curtains and decided to join him. _Wink wink._

**Day 60:** Tirragen bastard won't respond to my advances. Wonder if he is "saving himself for marriage." What a sissy.

Cannot get rid of Naxen boy. Keeps pledging his undying love and writing bad poetry. Told him his tunic makes him look fat and made him cry.

Am _so_ evil.

**Day 102:** Was rummaging around in Roger's room, looking for beauty secrets. Am burning with curiosity to know what shampoo he uses to make hair so silky soft. Found piece of parchment with Evil Plans on it instead. Have copied them here:

1. Become king.  
2. Make jewelry to celebrate coronation.  
3. Finally give Alex that pony he keeps asking for.  
4. Set up statues of self all over Corus.  
5. Establish new holiday called Roger Day, which consists of feasting and wearing pretty clothes.  
6. Start selling personal brand of perfume. Shall call it Contelicious.  
7. Execute anyone with bad fashion sense.  
8. Find some way to bring unicorn from Divine Realms. Would like to name it Herbert.

What stupid plans! He forgot to mention his marriage to me! Will not speak to Roger for rest of the day, no matter how sexy he looks in those black silk breeches.

**Day 110:** Still mad at Roger. Slept with Duke Gareth, the Naxen boy's father, to spite him.

Duke Gareth _also_ much better than Naxen boy. Am jealous of his brocade dressing gown, though.

**Day 116:** No longer mad at Roger. Cannot resist him for long when he wears such stylish boots. Am a little annoyed he wants me to sleep with Bratty Prince Jon, but will do anything for crown.

**Day 124:** Bratty Prince Jon nowhere near as good as Roger. Apparently skills do not run in family. Much more fun to flirt with redheaded midget because he scowls at me so adorably. Is really quite pretty, in a redheaded midget sort of way.

**Day 173:** Asked Roger what kind of cake we should have at our future wedding. He shooed me away and said he needed to pluck his eyebrows. He just plucked them this morning!

Suspect that Roger doesn't want to talk about our future wedding. Perhaps he's afraid I'll look more fabulous than him.

**Day 198:** Still sleeping with Bratty Prince Jon, but only sometimes. Am trying to get into redheaded midget's breeches, but he only glares at me and walks away in a huff.

_Later:_ Caught Tirragen bastard laughing at me after redheaded midget stepped on my feet during a dance. Damn him and his dark, mysterious eyes!

**Day 214:** Tirragen bastard almost killed redheaded midget in a duel. Would have served him right.

**Day 229:** Am bored and lonely. Roger is taking his sexy self down to the River Drell to fight in some silly war. Hope he gets mud on his pretty new boots! On the bright side, the Tirragen bastard, redheaded midget, and Bratty Prince Jon are also leaving.

**Day 235:** Slept with Duke Gareth again to spite everyone. Really want to know where he got that dressing gown! Would love to have one just like it.

**Day 241:** Desperately miss Roger and his black silk breeches. Hope he sets wedding date after the war.

**Day 246:** Found out that Duke Gareth stole dressing gown from his wife. It explains so much.

**Day 247:** Duke Gareth has whole wardrobe full of dressing gowns stolen from wife. Says they flatter his figure better than hers.

Have had enough of crazy old dukes and their women's clothing. Have decided to remain chaste until Roger returns.

**Day 248:** Duke Baird was amazing last night.

**Day 249:** Oops.

**Day 267:** Roger is back! Asked him about the wedding again, but he kept muttering to himself and glaring at redheaded midget. Fine. Will spend the night with His Royal Brattiness instead.

_Later:_ Bratty Prince Jon was busy. Found Goldenlake boy and took him behind his favorite curtains. _Wink wink._

**Day 320:** Hate new court lady who just arrived. Golden-haired tramp, a.k.a. Cythera, thinks she's prettier than me. As if _anyone _could be prettier than me! Tirragen bastard even danced with her.

Hate Tirragen bastard. Don't find him sexy at all.

Determined to be the prettiest.

**Day 342:** Cythera, the golden-haired tramp, has taken a liking to Naxen boy. Can't imagine why. His tunic really _does_ make him look fat, but in a charming stuffed animal way, I suppose.

Tirragen bastard is disappointed that golden-haired tramp has shunned him. Serves him right.

**Day 395:** Keep trying to sleep with Bratty Prince Jon, but he always says he's tired. Suspect he is sleeping with golden-haired tramp. Will have to go comfort Naxen boy, though I hope he has learned a thing or two since last time.

_Later:_ Naxen boy is busy with golden-haired tramp. Can't imagine who Bratty Prince Jon is spending time with.

Still determined to be the prettiest.

**Day 430:** Found Roger playing with dolls. Am disturbed that one of them looks just like redheaded midget. Asked Roger why he is playing with dolls like a little girl, but he got mad at me and shooed me away. Tempted to hate him, but can't resist sexiness and promise of being queen.

**Day 451:** Am bored now that Roger spends all his time playing with dolls. Will have to get him a tea set for his birthday, since he likes being a little girl so much. The things I have to put up with in order to be queen!

**Day 465:** Tirragen bastard also annoyed by Roger's new hobby. Still hasn't gotten that pony he wants so badly. Offered to comfort him behind Goldenlake boy's favorite curtains (_wink wink_), but he glared at me all darkly and mysteriously.

Hate him. Not sexy in the least bit.

**Day 481:** Gave up on Tirragen bastard and flirted with redheaded midget. Think he might have gotten a tiny bit taller, but it is probably just the boots he's wearing.

Miss Roger and our nights alone together. Also miss that damn dressing gown of Duke Gareth's. Wonder if he'll let me borrow it.

**Day 511:** Ha! Time for redheaded midget's Ordeal. Will make popcorn and wait outside the chamber, hoping to hear him scream.

Roger has decided to join me and made extra popcorn. Redheaded midget's pain has brought us together again!

**Day 512:** Boo. Redheaded midget passed the Ordeal without a scratch on him. Tried to throw stale popcorn at him but missed.

_Later:_ Redheaded midget found Roger's dolls and accused Roger of treason. Thought Roger would win during their duel, but instead he revealed redheaded midget's breasts. Turns out midget is a girl disguised as a boy! Have been flirting with a _girl_ all this time! Hate midget for having such a good disguise.

Hate midget even more for killing Roger. Will never become queen.

On the bright side, finally got to wear Duke Gareth's dressing gown. Am definitely the prettiest now.


End file.
